Do not bribe your children!
Faced with the reluctance of the child to do that or put it - to learn to read, to help around the house - some parents get in the way of "bribing". They agree to "pay" the child (money, clothes, treats) if he will do what he should do. This path is very dangerous, not to mention the fact that ineffective. Usually it ends up that claim the child grow up - he starts to demand more and forward, and promised changes in his behavior does not occur.
Why? To understand why, we need to get acquainted with a very subtle psychological mechanism that has only recently become the subject of special research psychologists. In one experiment, a group of students have to pay for a puzzle game in which they are passionately engaged. Soon, students in this group have become markedly less than those of their comrades who did not receive any payment.
Mechanism that here, as well as in many similar cases (of everyday examples and research) the following: the person has successfully and enthusiastically engaged in what he chooses himself to internal motives. If he knows that he will receive for this fee or reward, his enthusiasm is reduced, and all the activities change in nature: now he's not busy "individual creativity", and "zapabatyvaniem money."
Many scholars, writers, painters known as kills creativity and certainly at least alien to the creative process, working "on request" with the expectation of reward. Needed a force of personality and genius of the authors that in these circumstances arose "Requiem" by Mozart and Dostoevsky's novels. Raised issue leads to many serious reflections, and especially the schools with their mandatory portions of the material that must be learned, then to respond to the mark. Not whether such a system destroys the natural curiosity of children, their interest in the new knowledge?
However, stop here and finish just a reminder to us all: let us be careful to deal with external motivations, reinforcement, stimulation of children. They can bring great harm, destroying the thin fabric of its own internal activity for children.
Refers to a psychologist mother Petit. Familiar set of problems: "not pulling" the ninth grade, the lessons are not doing the books are not interested in any minute strives to escape from the house. Mom lost her calm, very concerned about Petya's fate that would happen to him? Who will he grow up? Petya same - fresh-faced and smiling "child" is set complacent. Believes that everything is in order. Trouble at school? Well, nothing like anything settled. And in general - life is beautiful, that's just my mother poisons exist.
The combination of too much educational activity parents and passivity, that is immaturity, children - is very typical and totally natural. Why? The mechanism is simple, it is based on the psychological effect of the law: the person and the child's ability to develop only those activities which it is engaged on their own and with interest.
"You can drag a horse to water but you can not make it drink" - as the wise proverb. You can make a child learn learned mechanically, but such "science" would settle in his brain dead weight. More, more insistent than would a parent, so hated, he is likely to prove even the most interesting, useful and required school subject.
Ask your child what he likes
How can that be? How to avoid situations of conflict and coercion? Do not bribe your children! First of all should pay attention than most fond of your child. This may be playing with dolls, in cars, socializing with friends, picking patterns, the game of football, modern music ... Some of these lessons may seem empty, even harmful. But remember: for him, they are important and interesting, and it should be handled with respect.
Well, if your child tells you that it is in these cases is interesting and important to him, and you can look at them through his eyes, as if from inside his life, avoiding the advice and assessments. Very well, if you are able to take part in these sessions the child to share in his passion. Children in such cases are very grateful to the parents. There will be another result of such participation: on the wave of interest in your child, you can start to give it something that you feel is useful: the more knowledge and experience, and his view of things, and even interest in reading, especially if we start with books or notes of interest to his subject. In this case, your boat will go with the flow.
For an example, the story of one father. First, he, he says, languished on the loud music in the room of his son, but then went to "last resort": collecting scarce knowledge of English, he offered his son to parse and write words of foreign songs. The result was surprising: the music became softer, and her son awoke a strong interest, almost a passion for the English language. He subsequently graduated from the institute of foreign languages and became a professional translator.
Such a successful strategy, which sometimes intuitively find parents like the way the variety of apple grafting branches to wildings. Wilding viable and frost, and its vitality starts to eat graft a branch from which grows a great tree. The very same cultural seedling in the ground will not survive.
So many lessons that offer children's parents or teachers, and even with the demands and reproaches: they do not survive. At the same time they are well "grafted" to the existing hobbies. Suppose that initially these hobbies "primitive", but they have a life force, and these forces are fully capable of supporting the growth and prosperity "cultivar."
At this point, I foresee the objection of parents: one can not be guided by one interest, need discipline, there are duties, including uninteresting! I can not disagree. Gradually, but steadily declines the care and responsibility for your child's personal affairs, and pass them to him. Do not be afraid of the word "remove themselves from care." It is about removing the petty cares, the prolonged custody, which simply prevents your son or daughter to grow up. The transfer of responsibility for their actions, deeds, and then the future life - the biggest concern, you can show respect to them. This concern for the wise. It makes the child stronger and more confident, and your relationships - more relaxed and joyful.
The process of transferring responsibility for the child to his or her case is very difficult. It must start with small things. But even on these very small things parents worry. This is understandable: after all, have riskovatvremennym well-being of her child. Objections are approximately as follows: "How did I not wake up? He's sure to oversleep, and then will be in big trouble at school? "Or:" If you will not make her homework, she grab twos! ".
Paradoxical as it may sound, but your child needs to be negative experiences, of course, if that does not threaten his life or health. Let your child get together with the negative consequences of their actions (or their omission). Only then he will grow up and become "conscious". We have to gain the courage and knowledge to give their children make mistakes, they learn to be independent.
