How to give your child what is death?
A small child will sooner or later will face the death of someone from the family. On television they see a lot of shooting and deaths, and sometimes it seems to us that children are, and so misunderstood. But with 5 children, like adults, distinguish the events "in the movie" and "actually". And that does not scare them into on-screen performance (whether on TV or PC), life can shock and brought to tears. From the descriptions of specialist tanatoterapii Vladimir Baskakov:
Individual differences in perception of the death of loved ones in children are very strong. Children can indulge in aggression, restless and anxious and start to demand something in adults. Others, conversely, fall silent and go to, so we never know what they have in mind. Children find it difficult to start talking about death itself. They are afraid to get confirmation of their worst fears. Some children begin to "fool around" pretending "young" are invited to feed them from the spoon or start biting his nails, suck your fingers as infants.
Death of mother - an excessive burden for children. They often perceive death as a punishment. Guys begin to worry and worry, would not it be and wait for a heavy price paid for what they eat poorly, do not brush their teeth in time, are messy clothes and do not listen to adults. At this time the child is very important to hear confirmation that he is not threatened, that he needs and that take care of it will not be less, despite the loss of the family. Meanwhile, exhortations adults, attempts to exploit the situation funeral as a deterrent - one of the most common psychological mistakes of adults: "There'll be a bad news, and you will be taken up at the sky!"
Children are very upset by the loss. In their hearts they hoped that the death of such a brutal and ruthless, will not touch them. They'll work something out, somehow dodge the crucial moment and come out victorious. I believe that the desire of children to resist death, to support: "We need to monitor their health, exercise, and then a number of difficult situations a person could be avoided. Strong, tempered people are less sick, later age. " Psychologists have long agreed on how to evolving attitudes to death in children.
Up to 3 years old children perceive death as a kind of convention. Heroes of tales are fighting and dying, but to cry over books children begin only 12 years. Small children are the same, even if they happened to attend the funeral of her grandmother, may ask the next day: "And when Grandma comes back?" - And ask for it every day. Need to be patient and repeat the answer as long as necessary, until this event is not a thing of the past and will not cease to be relevant to your child.
At 9 years old children experiencing death as something impossible, limiting, unjust - Experiencing panic and fantasy on the themes of life care. Sometimes they present themselves as dead to prove to someone how inconsiderate they were to them. Fantasies of escape and the tragic death of can take the child. Child already knows or suspects that the dead "will not be returned," their "dig", and therefore wondered whether there could occur a mistake? What is death? Here are the answers to offer my colleagues: "People stop to breathe, watch, eat, drink and think," "Death - it is the strong change in the man when he ceases to be himself."
Children are also interested in the well is to be human? No longer a live dogs, horses, crows, elephants? They are interested in, how many are going to spend mommy and daddy? And the answer is "70 years", they may ask: "What should I do to have you lived 80?" They were fascinated by the stories of old men who live to 100-115 years. Frankly, they admire me. When I look at 90-year-old actor Zeldin, playing Don Quixote, I worry about the inner euphoria. But Sergei Mikhalkov? A 90-year-old Russian dancer and fashion models, with whom I met in Paris at the launch of the book "Beauty in Exile" Sasha Vasilyev? Kids are right - there are some secrets that will extend human life. One of them - creativity.
Common mistakes parents
• To say that the deceased just gone away, and lies gravely ill in hospital. The child will be waiting to ask where he went and when he returns. Why did not he call. Maybe he was angry, and therefore never want to return? In addition, children will perceive any discomfort as a possible cause of death. And if you use the metaphor of sleep (he slept the eternal sleep "), children begin to be afraid of the dark and sleep panic when their parents are left alone in a crib. Some children have a fantastic brightness of the imagination, and every rustle and creak of a door can scare them, or recall the death.
• Try to avoid any mention of the dead, as if it never happened. Physical care is not accompanied by a life so fast removal of psychological man. On the contrary, over time, the image of a loved one becomes even brighter and closer: we remember all the sweet, dear to our hearts, we begin to get bored and sometimes talk with the man anymore. Adults can walk to the tomb in the church or simply to discuss their experiences with friends. The child must also be able to survive the loss with others. Grief refers to those social skills that we need to convey to children. It was at this moment, people feel the closeness and affinity, so the family must unite in moments of loss.
We can consider the family pictures with your child, tell the dead a story - just interesting, funny or sad. Children should understand and feel that no matter how the fate of man, remember him and when he ceases to participate in our lives: "My grandfather told me ..." "My grandmother always say in such cases ..." Joint memories - is not just a ritual , is also a way of forming a unified identity of the family. The family will always support, make it through the loss and sincere joy in your success. Tradition has always suggest how to behave. The difficulty lies in the fact that the traditional way of the extended family breaks down, and people, including children, are increasingly finding themselves face to face with a variety of situations.
How to give your child what is death? whether to report child's death - it is an irreparable loss, tragedy, and our grief is immeasurable? There are many ways that we use to comfort a child: "Now he's in heaven watching and happy for us." Death may be released from our earthly obligations - in fact we say that phrase. But life is not such a terrible burden to want to get rid of her so brutally. Better to say with bitterness, but quietly: "We will miss her. I really liked talking to her. "
Child, if it did not take to the funeral, you need to tell what happened there. Suspense and mystery of the burial ritual can frighten and disturb children. Do I need to take your child to the funeral, if the child resists and expresses the fear? If your child is sensitive, of course not. Funeral - it's not such an easy event to train the will of children. On the contrary, we must make it clear to your child that his fears and anxieties you are ready to treat with care. One thing to quietly tell me what happened, and another thing - deliver the baby in a long ritual of grief. It is better to take the child on the following dates at the cemetery and funeral.
And most importantly, do not forget to talk about plans for tomorrow. So, going to sleep, the child did not think tomorrow will be as scary as it was today. Sit next to him on the bed, pat on the head. It seems logical to conclude our long conversation about the life of the most mysterious theme - her limbs. Whatever happens, the kid needs to know that you'll always be near and able to help him. We do not always remember how they need us and expect us to attention and support.
