When a child masters the first life skills - learning to walk, eat, drink, use the toilet, dress, etc. - "caring parents" criticism and accusation, ridicule and threats to "teach" him to do something "right." Thus are born the following sense - it is shame and guilt. If decipher shame, it sounds like "when I do so I am bad, I'm not worthy of love and respect, I must be rejected by loved ones (and die in loneliness and insecurity). This is a complex feeling, formed by experiences of humiliation, rejection and punishment. This fear of being left without love, without the help and support. For a small child it - in mortal danger, therefore, no threat to intimidate his love and support, its really easy to train, train to become convenient for parents. People brought up on a sense of shame, extremely docile, regular, convenient and ... can not live for himself. They are taught to live for others. Growing up, these people continue to live not for themselves, they become zavisimymiot opinions of others.

Fear of shame stop any attempt to show up, show yourself to do something different and original, be an individual, to present their needs and feelings, and even - to want something for yourself. Uncertainty - a common cause of treatment to a psychologist, iveeosnove is the same fear of shame. Such a person is extremely difficult to part with their uncertainty, because it protects him from the fear of shame. What to do with shame? Since the main idea of shame - "I'm bad", the first thing that is important to undertake - is to realize that people can not be bad in itself, it just may do something (but not all) are not the best way.

For sure, you eat (even if not loud) different offensive words in your own address. Do not think you like it. It is time to unlearn the habit. Every time you decide that you have negative qualities, most likely, you are comparing yourself with others. Maybe someone faster than you savvy or has a great taste. Instead of a spread rot, it is useful (if you really need those qualities), this simple to learn. And if you do not want to learn something, it's time to admit that you do not want to be like those people with whom you compare yourself. And nowhere while himself to insult and shame. You're just another person. We are all unique, none of us is different, I know exactly, because I have a twin sister, and we - are different. Therefore, to compare yourself with others not only inappropriate, but does not correspond to reality.

You yourself do not like

If you are unhappy with themselves, localize their displeasure by sending it to specific actions, not his personality. For example, if you have overdone it borscht, realize that "bad cook" - is not about you. Would be correct: "I put the salt more than you need for a harmonious taste." Second - do not let yourself be annoyed at themselves and the parents for what they taught you to feel bad (bad). Shame contains a wordless protest. Allowing himself to protest against parental criticism at this point, you loose a part of this protest, thereby deploying the direction of aggression: when you feel ashamed, you send it to yourself; allowing himself to get angry at others, you expand its aggression to the environment. Let me remind you that you should not talk about his anger at this moment the one to whom it is addressed. Simply razreshitsebe angry. We are the authors of their feelings, and we are able to express them, not hurting others.

It is important to remember that anger - not a lack of love. And angry, we also love. And angry - respect. When we feel a person only one thing - it is unnatural, because in each moment we are born very different feelings to the same man in connection with those interactions - sometimes comfortable and sometimes uncomfortable - that occur between us. But we were lying to yourself and others, presenting only one side of their feelings. It's just not fair. In all interactions, there are all shades of our reactions, but we are trained to notice some not chuvstvovatdrugie. In fact, we deceive ourselves. If we can not see some sense in connection with the fact that they feel "not good", it does not mean that they are not. They are, they kopyatsya, and sooner or later, accumulated, they bring us a different trouble. Simpler and more useful to accept them, promptly getting rid of them, showing them in a safe psychological environment.

The third - to request support from loved ones, when you find it difficult to cope with feelings of shame. For example, you might say: "I tried very hard when cooked soup, but I put more salt than we need. I would like you to not get angry at me for this and treated with respect for my efforts. " I guess it's long. True - very long. Even difficult to immediately remember. Easier to say "go on figs, goat, or hide under the table. But - but useful. Better to talk long, but keep a good attitude and atmosphere than choose a destructive path of light.

Guilt

Wine differs from shame in that, if ashamed, we suffer from what is "bad", then the fault we take responsibility for others' feelings. Strange process! Guilt implies that we create negative feelings in other people! But this is impossible. It looks as if we know how to manage feelings, actions and desires of others. Blaming himself, as if we are assigning itself a divine function well, or, at least - the magic: I manage other people's feelings. For example, your loved one is expected (for whatever reasons known only to him) that you will call him every day. And you do not call. And then, as usually happens, he says: "I am because of tebyarasstraivayus. Actually you did not inspire him a sense of frustration, he experiences feelings related to the fact that his expectations are not met. Note: egoozhidaniya and egochuvstva. Your not here anything.

We somehow do not fit the expectations of others, and they also do not correspond to ours, because we all - are different, we have different lives and different experiences. However, some people learn to understand others, learn to negotiate, compromise, and others - are offended by attributing its authorship vis their own feelings. It is absolutely impossible thing. A real man is only responsible for their own feelings, for their own actions and by living and acting, he comes to some results, the consequences of their actions, with which he can do something. We make the action and get results. This result we may like, and may not like it. And then we have a choice of what to do with it further. However, it often happens that seems like the result - it is something final, irrevocable, bad, scary. But is this so? Any result of our actions is only the knowledge that gives us information about what is happening and what we have in connection with it will do next. All this is called responsibility for their actions.

Feelings of guilt is born as well as a sense of shame: fear of being poor. If I feel like I'm a bad person - it's unbearable. In order not to fall apart from this experience, the psyche does focus - looking for someone to give this wine. Out of this vicious circle is possible only if the accused is not aware of, and responsibility: "I am responsible for that ... other for that ... We all - are not bad people, we are all fallible." If the situation is translated into the category of responsibility, we can find a solution: simply discuss the situation and find a compromise agreement. If everything remains in the categories of guilt and shame - the situation has no solution, because everyone is looking for someone to blame.