Certainly take a child - to love him, not for the fact that it is beautiful, smart, capable, successful, assistant and so on, and just like that, just for what it is! One can often hear from parents is an appeal to the son or daughter: "If you a good boy (girl), I'll love you." Or: "Do not wait on me good, until you do not stop ... (lazy, fighting, being rude), do not you start ... (well in school, help around the house, heard)".

Look closely: In these sentences the child directly report that it is taken conditionally, that his love (or would love) "only if ...." Conditional estimate of human beings is generally characteristic of our culture. This attitude takes root in the minds of children. Fifth-grader from Moldova, we wrote: "And what if love child? For laziness, for the ignorance, disrespect for the elderly? Sorry, but I do not understand! Their children, I will love only if ... ".

Reason widely in the widely estimated attitude to children is in the firm belief that rewards and punishments - the main educational tools. Praise a child - and he strengthened in goodness, Smite - and evil retreat. But here's the rub: they do not always smoothly, the money. Who does not know this rule: the more the child abuse, the worse it gets. Why is this happening? And because raising a child - is not taming. Parents do not exist in order to produce children reflexes. Take your child for who he is !

Psychologists proved that the need for love, of belonging that is being wanted another one of the fundamental human needs. Her satisfaction - a necessary condition for the normal development of the child. This need is satisfied when you tell the child that he is you love, need, importance, he was just good. These messages are contained in welcoming the views, gentle touch, direct terms: "How good that you have born," "I'm glad to see you," I like you "," I love it when you're home, "I feel good, when we're together ... ".

I love it when you're home. Renowned family therapist Virginia Satir encouraged to embrace the child several times a day, saying that the four arms are indispensable to each just for survival but for the well-being needs at least eight hugs a day! And, incidentally, not only the child but also for adults. I like you. I feel good when we're together. I'm glad to see you.

Of course, such a child signs an unconditional acceptance is especially needed as food growing organism. They fed him emotionally, psychologically, helping to develop. If he receives no such signs, then there are emotional problems, behavioral problems, and even nervous mental diseases. The mother of one five-year girl, discovering his daughter had symptoms of neurosis, consult your doctor. In the conversation it became clear that once the daughter asked: "Mom, what is the biggest trouble was with you and dad before I was born?". "Why do you ask?" - His mother was surprised. "Yes, because then in fact the biggest trouble you was I," - answered the girl. You said yourself that you no me better ...

Try to imagine how many tens if not hundreds of times heard this girl before coming to a similar conclusion that it was "not so", "bad", "all the boring", "punishment that exists" ... And all the experiences embodied in her neurosis . I care about you ... for your own good .... We do not always follow their appeals to children. As in the "Teachers' Newspaper" has been published penitential letter to his mother: she belatedly realized that the mental wounds inflicted to his son. The boy ran away from home, wrote in a note that he was not looking: "You said yourself that you no me better." That's how literally understand us kids! They are sincere in their feelings, and give absolute sincerity any phrase uttered by an adult.

The more often parents chafe at the baby, pull up, criticize it, the sooner he comes to a generalization: "I do not like." The arguments of the parents like: "I care about you" or "For your own good" kids can not hear. More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own, emotional, accountancy. The tone is more important than words, and if it is a sharp, angry or just strict, then the conclusion is always simple: "I do not like, do not accept." Sometimes it is issued for a child not only in words but in feeling bad, "not as" unfortunate.

Let's see what develops "a set of failure" as children get older. Here is an excerpt from a letter from a girl of fourteen. "I do not believe that the mother can be friends. I have the most unloved days - this Saturday and Sunday. Mom these days I curse. If she were with me, instead of yelling, talking to a human being, I would have better understood ... It is also possible to understand, she wants to make me a good man, and gets unhappy. I'm tired to live. I ask your help! Help me!!!

 Resentment, loneliness and sometimes despair of sound in the letters of other guys. They tell us that parents with them "not compatible", never say "humanly", "poked", "yelling", use only the imperious verbs: "do", "take away", "fetch!" "wash". Many children have no hope for improvement in the situation at home and seek help on the side. Turning to the editors of newspapers and magazines ("Help!", "What do I do?", "I can not continue to live this way!"), All children up to one change their names, do not result in the return address. "If the parents know - will beat." And through it all sometimes make their way with warm notes of child care for parents: "How to calm her down?", "They are too hard," "It is also possible to understand ...". True, so write mostly children under thirteen fourteen. And those who are older, already hardened. They just do not want to see parents who do not want to be with them under one roof.

 Parents often ask: "If I take the child, does that mean that I should never get angry at him?" I answered. No, it does not. Hide and even more so to save their negative feelings by no means impossible. They must be express, but express a special way. And this we will say much later. In the meantime, direct your attention to the following rules:

 You can express their dissatisfaction with the actions of the individual child, but not the whole child.

 You can condemn the actions of the child, but not his feelings, no matter how undesirable or impermissible, "they were not. Once they had emerged, then there are grounds.

 Dissatisfaction with the actions of the child should not be systematic, otherwise it will turn into a rejection of it.

Here is a typical replica of one mother. "How am I going to embrace him, if he had not yet learned the lessons? First, discipline, and then good relations. Otherwise I'll spoil it. " And my mom gets on the path of the criticisms of reminders of the requirements. Who of us does not know what is likely to react to all sorts of excuses son, pulling, and if the homework - the old problem, and open resistance. Mom, it would seem reasonable "pedagogical concerns" falls into a vicious circle, the circle of mutual discontent, rising tension, frequent conflicts. Where is the mistake? The error was in the beginning: no discipline before and posleustanovleniya good relations, and only on the basis of them.