I feel sorry for us adults. Our spoiled stereotypes and the orders of brain work worse unlubricated gears. We note with great difficulty, we formulate our desires and dreams. With the belief that they can come true, things are even worse. But why is this happening? One reason is simple: we do not know how to do what you want . Let's look at how children do. Kids do not hesitate to cry, not afraid to ask for help when they want to get it, as opposed to adults (especially males) who beg and cry is strictly prohibited.

Not allowed! You can not! Indecent! Small children play in the games who want to play. Eat when hungry. Help when they want to help. Share something with others, when they want to share. Learn when they want to learn. Young children do not see any difficulty to do what you want. It's easy, it's easy, it's fun! And then there are adults on the scene. Every self-respecting adult must tell your child how to act and how not to. That the child should do and what should not. Of course, intelligent adults better than children know how to live, what to eat, where to sleep and think about. What happens as a result? The child begins to wait for guidance, to hide their desires and dreams, to live according to the principle of need rather spending more effectively instead of want.

According to psychologists, the word should be sent to us by past experiences, often negative, and usually a stranger. In using this word, as if we say to ourselves: "do not go there, it's dangerous." And do not climb. But who said that there are still dangerous? Maybe there collected all the jewels of the world who are just waiting for that and when we reach them? The word should give us a sense of stability and security. Thanks to him, we remain confident that will not be mistaken. But at the same time, we do not get any new experience! First and foremost, it concerns our children. It should be warm to wear a baby because he might get sick. Last time, in fact sick, remember? Wore a light hat instead of a warm winter. To feed and put the child on schedule, otherwise what's the use of his life will be released? Does not learn discipline, it will go hard in school, and then can not find a good job ... Where is the logic in this argument? It simply does not exist! Simply ask yourself: "You have? And why is it necessary? "- And all of them will fall into place.

Why do we choose "right"?

1. We are afraid of losing control of the situation

As if something happens. Because last time when we allowed the child to do what he wanted, he lay in bed with a cold for a week! And what would happen and now the same thing? Ahead elegant pool! Deep, wide as the sea! With black water in which swim the remnants of melting snow! The kid goes straight to her.

- Nadoidti on dry asphalt! In the pool you can not climb! Her nadoobhodit!

Child gently withdrawn from the small sea. He enumerates feet in rubber boots, looks around, still not understanding why all the same to such magnificence nadoobhodit. But nothing more would be even puddles! He has no clue that it will protect and from these pools, and from others, as well as from a cold, half-eaten cereal, sleep deprivation and open air vents.

2. We are afraid of losing control over the child

And suddenly he vytvorit something that can put us in an awkward position?

- Mom, I want out of a teddy bear, a designer and now this machine with flashing lights! And I want the day we walked around this store and stayed there overnight. And more ...

- We must keep calm and keep quiet.

- Why?

- Because it is indecent, we were kicked out of the store, and over that my aunt would scold. Look, it's already frowns.

- Mama, I still want to see that large and that's it! - Says the kid, looking around, have a semitone lower, but with the same urgency.

Unpleasant situation at the store, right? All visitors to look around for you and your child - who is with the understanding, some with sympathy, and some with resentment: it is necessary, what a cub, to which parents are spoiled! You feel uneasy. And then there's Aunt with shifted house eyebrows, which is slowly coming to you to give a drink to start swearing. Guess who most fears in this situation: the mother or the baby?

Sense of security

When we say it is necessary, it is clear to us all: what to do, what to think, how to behave. Delineating the boundaries of their behavior, their actions, we feel comfortable, safe and secure. The concept should be built on stereotypes, socially accepted. Remember:

- That's right, because that act, think and behave to all people.

- That's right, because it's so accepted, so it should be, because society is constructed ...

These patterns allow us to not feel the white ravens, which come not as accepted in society. If we apply these stereotypes in relation to our children, we are sure: we will not be ashamed of them and they too will be safe. But is it really?

Why in a moment we realize that too much in life does not suit us? Why do not we feel happy with their wings behind their backs, as a child? Because no longer do what they wanted. But the principle must, unfortunately, has not worked. Alas.

Why "want" better than "must"?

Close your eyes, relax, and imagine that you're going to do something with great desire. A tasty meal? A cup of tea? And maybe to make love? Remember how much effort we spend on what really want to do! To eat, you need to run around a bunch of stores to bring food home to cook them, beautifully decorated table, and then bridging the rest of the dishes - phew! A cup of tea? Are sold on every street corner a unique green tea with rose petals? So it is still brewed according to the rules need! And love? We run on a date, makes smoke phones, we are ready to move mountains, just to be closer to your loved one!

So, we spent a lot of strength, energy, time, and did not even realize it. And if they noticed, are aware that it was not in vain. But why? Because it did what they wanted. Oh, it's the magic word I want! With it, we do real miracles. Enough to want - and soon you'll have what you desire, you will learn what you absolutely need. Do you like making love? How much effort, dear man, you apply in order to win the woman he loves? How much effort, ladies, you're willing to spend on pleasing men? How fast matter if it is to the soul! With what enthusiasm is preparing a favorite dish! Remember how hard we are waiting for longed-for children! Enough examples?

Now imagine that you have to do something. We must make love to go to work, pull ostochertevshy business or hostess will understand me, to cook dinner. It is necessary, and do not want to! It turns out that the word should be a destructive force. It destroys the germs of creativity and enthusiasm. Every time I tell myself it's a word, we can say with certainty that it will be unfinished, or will be made out of sticks. Make sure you: how the word works in your case? And how do I respond to your children? Observe how you talk with your children. How many in your appeals must, must? Think of the feeling with which the child will comply with the request, order, unless you would do it almost with disgust.

By the same word should be as opposed to words like no, let's say, a personal focus. That is, we want something we do, but need someone. So when you say it is necessary, specify to whom exactly, and many will fall into place. You need to dress warmly (exams, do the lessons to brush your teeth, etc..). So who cares? Ask the child. Him? Make sure that he agree with you, then your request will be fulfilled. But if he does not need to, look what it's really necessary. Not to be confused and should be responsible. We take responsibility for themselves, if decide to do something or not do. And if something needs to be someone, something about which, strictly speaking, personal responsibility can there be? This is not the responsibility, and the execution order "superiors". And finally the question, if you do not want to wash dishes or make love (in fact both are in favor of family relations), then you are forcing yourself?

© The